10 things you shouldn't do in London

Jetzt bin ich schon seit fast 6 Monaten hier... und hab kaum geschrieben. Aber ganz ehrlich, im letzten Term hatte ich kaum Zeit zu lesen (also pleasure reading, I had enough of Uni reading!), da kam viel posten nicht in Frage.
Dieser Term ist definitiv besser... Nur nutze ich jetzt meine Freizeit lieber im socialising, lesen oder Blödsinn machen ;)

Zu meiner neu gewonnen akademischen Freiheit kommt hinzu, dass ich in den nächsten Monaten sehr viel Besuch bekomme! Deshalb sitze ich gerade auch fleißig vor dem Laptop und arbeite nicht an meinem Essay (shame on me! It's actually quite interesting, it's about... OK, I can hear your "shut-up" thoughts til here and I'll spare you this time), sondern recherchiere all die lustigen und tollen Dinge, die man so in London machen kann. Da recht verschiedene Leute (von der Tante aus Candada, meiner Familie bis hin zu den besten Freunden) mit mir London erkunden wollen, habe ich mein Feld ziemlich ausgeweitet (d.h. nicht nur Theater und Theaterverwandtes ;)). Dabei bin ich auf diese Seite gestoßen: http://www.thescene.com.au/Lifestyle/Travel/TOP-10-THINGS-NOT-TO-DO-IN-LONDON/

Ich gehe davon aus, dass viele, viele Leute gerne nach London reisen, sollte jemand hier vorbei kommen, hier sind schon mal 10 Dinge, die man dort NICHT tun sollte (und einiges wirklich aus gutem Grund!):

GET BLOWN UP
It’s all the rage in London these days. Once upon a time it was only the IRA who had a problem with British Foreign Policy but now the whole world wants in. They’ve experimented with planes, trains and buses so riverboats and hot air balloons are probably next. (BTW: there have been no rubbish bins in the city since Harrods went up in smoke in 1983, meaning you’ll either have to carry your sausage roll wrapper around all day or toss it in the Thames like everyone else)



TRY AND BUY VEGETABLES
You’re more likely to find a sandy beach than a leafy vegetable in this city, so don’t bother trying. Stock up on white bread and cheese and save going to the toilet until you get back on home soil. And while we’re at it, don’t even think about coffee because it doesn’t exist. Save money by pouring old dish water into a soiled ashtray and adding a sprinkle of toenails, you won’t know the difference.



EXCHANGE AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS
It’s no wonder every bar in London has an Aussie working behind it. Just try buying anything more valuable than a donut and you’re gonna need to sell your clothes. The laughable exchange rate means your house is worth less than a pint of English milk and a scotch and coke will wipe out the family inheritance.





HAVE A CHAT WITH A COCKNEY
These clever locals have, over the last few hundred years, managed to develop a perfectly good language into a series of grunts, whistles and riddles. Why bother having a conversation if you’re going to try as hard as possible to make it sound like you’re talking about something else. Apples and pears means stairs, they’ll tell you. Of course, they won’t mention why the fuck they didn’t just say stairs and save everyone a lot of time and confusion.



RENT AN APARTMENT
$1000 a week will get you a small hole in the shadows of an East London tower block. You’ll have to dig it yourself and share with 47 drunken Kiwis, but you won’t have any trouble with water restrictions as you will spend most of your life wet. Alternatively, you could stay in a youth hostel and have all your belongings stolen at knifepoint.



DRINK THE WATER
Do a bit of research and you will discover that before you drank that glass of chilled water, at least 7 other people have already done the same. With 60 million residents and a land mass smaller than most Australian carports, England has to hydrate in any way it can. So get used to second hand H2O or take the ‘when in Rome’ approach and consume alcohol instead.



TAKE YOUR JACKET OFF
For at least 10 months of the year London is marginally colder than the bottom shelf of your fridge, only it’s not frost-free so watch where you step. Washing can be a problem when you can’t leave your sleeping bag (so don’t try) and remember to buy oversized shoes so as to fit in all your socks at once.





RIDE A PUSHBIKE
Unless of course you are bored with life and feel like reinventing yourself as a piece of bloodied roadkill. Bizarrely, you won’t get arrested for not wearing a helmet in carefree London, mainly because you’ll probably be dead before the police get to you.





USE THE AIRPORT
Read your Lonely Planet and you know that Heathrow is the busiest hub in the world, with passengers arriving like flies who have sniffed a fresh turd. What you won’t hear is that at any one time most of the buildings are under construction and getting in and out of the place takes longer than the flight from Bangkok. Digging a tunnel or being fired from a canon is quicker and less degrading.



BREATHE IN
When you get back to the floor you are sleeping on you’ll be wanting a shower. But as you rinse the filth from your rapidly aging body following day of marching around the sights with a camera and a sore toe, check out the blackened snot you fatigued head starts to expel as it fights the affects of the dense, poisonous smog you’ve been inhaling. Lungs work at around 30% of capacity in this environment, which is why Everest wanabees would do well to consider London as a good place to train and walking is like doing step aerobics in a bowl of pumpkin soup.

Was ich dann tatsächlich doch alles getan habe, werde ich hoffentlich in den nächsten Monaten nach und nach berichten (aber ich will ja keine Überraschungen zerstören).

Cheers